LIFE is stressful for managers at all Premiership football clubs, but there’s arguably more pressure on Gordon Brown than anyone. Like Brian Clough at Leeds United, he took control of a team that had won the title a couple of times in succession from a man he loathed. And now, more than half way through the season, relegation is staring him in the face – and the chances of success in forthcoming European fixtures are dwindling faster than the Financial Times Share Index. So how does the boss see the season panning out?
“It’s a game of two halves”, he begins. But then, revealing the depth of thought and grasp of mathematics that are his hallmark, he adds: “It is also a game of four quarters. And, as a matter of fact, eight eighths?’
“All matches are two sets of 50 per cents, or eight twelve-and-a-half per cents.’
There’s no point in arguing with Gordy about numbers, that’s for sure. But I probe him about recent remarks made by Arsenal’s manager to the effect that all clubs should be financially viable.
“Arsène Wenger says some clubs are running up vast debts and crossing their fingers that some sugar daddy might turn up and give them a shed full of cash.”
For once, Gordy looks shocked. “If you’re suggesting that we’ve been living on credit for years on end in order to make the club look in better health than it actually is…”
“Yes, that’s it.”
“Then you are as sick as a parrot. You seem to forget that when the entire game of football looked as if it was finished, it was I who called soccer’s G20 together and saved the world. A G20, incidentally, is four G5s.”
I move on to his recent tactics that have involved dispensing with strikers completely. “Yes, they are very old football and although I still keep a few on the books, their days are numbered.
“The fact is that no one likes strikers. They are not the sort of people we want to associate with this football club.”
Another tactic that has been the subject of scrutiny is his over-dependence on right wingers. “We’ve got a lot of talent in this department and enthusiasm for the role’. Gordy says. “But there’s no question of me letting any of them go. They’d slip too easily into the style of opposition teams.”
Which brings me onto the subject of behaviour in the game in general. “Smithy’s rather let the side down recently”, I suggest.
“No. That’s not true.”
“So you think the charges about bringing the game into disrepute are…”
“Utter nonsense. It’s a private matter. I loathe people being treated like public property just because they happen to be public figures in public positions paid by public money in public.”
“But wouldn’t you accept that some of your players are hugely overpaid, if you consider the limits of their abilities?”
“It is impossible for anyone to be overpaid in a free-market economy. That is what is so brilliant about this competition. As our sweeper, Mandy, remarked recently – and don’t forget he has European experience – ‘I have nothing against chancers, mavericks, fraudsters and gamblers earning obscene fortunes.’ So why exclude footballers?”
“Talking of Mandy, can I come back to allegations of bungs, backhanders, dodgy property deals and optimistic expense claims? Is the club thinking of taking action against Smithy and Hoony, for example?”
“I didn’t see either of the incidents.’
“But we do have television footage. Are you in favour of allowing television evidence?”
“I’m not 100 per cent in favour of evidence at all.”
Gordy is likewise cagey when he’s asked the inevitable question about the “prawn sandwich brigade” whose members are so closely associated with the club’s well-being these days. “These people are bona fide supporters”, he insists. “Without their corporate boxes and sponsorships, we’d be well stuffed financially. If they suddenly switch their allegiance to the opposition we’ll be at a massive disadvantage. I’ve nothing against the old-style supporter and, at times, it’s pleasantly nostalgic to see a flat cap in the crowd. But the future of this club is the pink interior of a Palaemon serratus.”
Talking of crustaceans, I ask about the decision to appoint Mandy as vice-captain. “I wanted someone I could trust”, he says.
This remark alone betrays the deep crisis the club is in only weeks before the crucial European games that will define Gordy’s season. Will there be a change of tactics for these matches?
“We’ve got to keep it tight, build on our defences. They will come at us, no doubt at all. They have adopted a lot of our tactics and even if their players are unknown and look like geeks, to be honest you don’t need to be very bright to get on in this game.
“We’ve still got a chance. There are only two teams in it to be fair, so it’s an each way bet. Half and half. That’s 50-50.”
“Or 20-20? “I suggest before realising that this is not the most tactful remark to make to a manager with a glass eye.
