I opened an 1886 copy of Herodotus’ Egypt and Scythia the other day and found an advert for Beecham’s pills. It was brilliant. Although a box of them cost only one shilling and three ha’pence, the ad said it was: “Admitted by thousands to be worth a Guinea a Box for Bilious and Nervous Disorders, such as Wind and Pain in the Stomach, Sick Headache, Giddiness, Fullness and Swelling after meals, Dizziness and Drowsiness, Cold Chills, Flushings of Heat, Loss of Appetite, Shortness of Breath, Costiveness, Scurvy, Blotches on the Skin, Disturbed Sleep, Frightful Dreams and all Nervous and Trembling Sensations, etc.”
I particularly like the “etc”, suggesting that the list is by no means exhaustive. And then I thought how very like David Cameron’s statements the list was.
If you substitute “Tory policies’ for “Beecham’s pills”, it reads like their manifesto. Just like my pharmaceutical friend, the Conservatives claim they are going to solve everything in some ill-defined way.
They are going to boost the economy, protect the National Health Service, sort out the armed forces, lower taxes, improve public services, untax the rich, lower the crime rate and improve the schools. Oh, and be very nice to women.
Well, here again there are parts of the Beecham’s ads that could be lifted straight from the page into the policy statement:
“For Females of all ages these Pills are invaluable, as a few doses of them carry off all humours, and bring about all that is required. No female should be without them. There is no medicine to be found to equal Beecham’s Pills for removing any obstruction or irregularity of the system. If taken according to the directions given with each box, they will soon restore females of all ages to sound and robust health.”
Isn’t that more or less David’s pledge when he says: “Conservative government will follow a joined-up, common sense approach to women’s issues and make our society fairer for everybody”? Irregularities such as the gender pay gap, inflexible work and violence will be removed as if by magic. We only have to swallow the Tory pill for an instant miracle cure.
I especially liked the rousing final pre-election-type finale of brother Beecham, when he says: “Every sufferer is earnestly invited to try one box of these Pills, and they will be acknowledged to be worth a guinea in a box.” Put an X in the Tory box in the next election and it’s going to cost you a sight more than £1.05.
It’s also interesting that the patent medicine vendor gathered about him important cultural celebrities of the stature of David’s friends – people such as Jim Davidson, Paul Daniels, Peter Stringfellow and Marco Pierre White.
Thomas Beecham went for a similar level of cultural icon: he roped in the poetic genius William Topaz McGonagall. Inspired by the pill, the bard wrote:
“What ho! sickly people of high and low degree
I pray ye all be warned by me;
No matter what may be your bodily ills
The safest and quickest cure is Beecham’s Pills.
They are admitted to be worth a guinea a box
For bilious and nervous disorders, also smallpox,
And dizziness and drowsiness, also cold chills,
And for such diseases nothing else can equal Beecham’s Pills
They have been proved by thousands that have tried them
So that the people cannot them condemn.
Be advised by me one and all
Is the advice of Poet McGonagall.”
A moving tribute indeed.
Another similarity is the prim moral standards of Tories and Pills. Beecham’s once donated a set of hymn books to a deserving church, a kind and Christian gesture only slightly marred when it was discovered that words had been added to the Carols section.
These were: “Hark the Herald angels sing/Beecham’s Pills are just the thing. Peace on earth and mercy mild/Two for a man and one for a child.’
How Andy Coulson would love to have come up with that one.
And, of course, another great similarity is the fact that neither Thomas nor David give any hint as to how the great achievements will actually be made.
The Beecham secret was revealed many decades after the pill’s zenith. It was a laxative made of a combination of aloe, ginger and soap. A Conservative Party victory would involve jobs and benefits exploding from a well-fed rear end.
And what news of Herodotus? Very little. I didn’t bother myself with the book. I was only checking to see if anyone had dusted while I was away.
Oh, and Beecham’s pills eventually hooked up with SmithKline and, when they were phased out, the company became part of GlaxoSmithKline. The pill’s progeny – the powder – is a modest creature, claiming to be efficacious only in cases of colds, flu, migraines, neuralgia, period pains, toothaches, sore throats, backache and rheumatism.
Finally I have to fess up to a disturbing coincidence. Tribune is produced in ASLEF’s head office building, which was formerly the family home of Sir Thomas Beecham, the musician grandson of his namesake “Mr Pill”. Funny old world, isn’t it?
Well, it won’t be if voters swallow Cameron’s patent hogwash.
