“Hey, Limey. We need a few thousand troops. We’ve got a new target.”
“Well, we’ll have to clear it with Parliament, of course.”
“We never had this messing around when Tony Blair was in charge. You haven’t got a democracy there now, have you?”
“Yes. We are a democracy.”
“You sure about that? It could affect our special relationship.”
“It’s not much of a democracy.”
“So you’re up for the extra troops?”
“I suppose so. Who are we going for? Iran? Yemen?”
“Rochdale.”
“Rochdale? But that’s in England.”
“So? I thought you guys were talking up the green agenda. This one will hardly touch your carbon footprint. You can march there. Don’t you have a Duke of Wellington who’s famous for it?’
“That’s a hill. And it was the Duke of York. He marched them up to the top of it.”
“Well get ’em down and move ’em north. Say, Saturday?’
“We’ll need an excuse. We’ll have to inform the Queen and instruct the MPs.”
“How long does it take to convince an old buzzard and herd in the sheep? We never had this messing around when…”
“Yes, yes, I understand. But there will have to be a reason.”
“There is. We’re telling you to do it. That’s how the special relationship works.”
It really was a puzzler for our youthful Foreign Secretary. As if he didn’t have enough problems with swotting for his GCSEs and fighting off Hillary Clinton’s advances, he suddenly had to deal with bombing Rochdale. Still, he thought, it could be worse. He could have pimples.
Reluctantly, he put aside his essay and rang his chauffeur. It was such a nuisance not to be old enough to drive. But he knew this was the sort of information he’d have to pass on right away to the grumpy Scot who was his housemaster. Might as well get it over with.
Fortunately he found Gawd in, for him, a good mood. He’d smiled at someone who hadn’t been frightened.
“Come on in”, he growled jovially. “I’ve been talking to Lord Sugar about apprentices and your name came up.’
“Hello, sir. I’ve had a call from the Americans and they’ve got a spiffing idea for saving the planet. Think of how many emissions we could save if we could have a war without having to fly our troops anywhere.”
“Good thinking. You’re hired.”
“Thank you, sir. Unfortunately we’ll have to roger Rochdale.”
American intelligence, a complex notion to begin with, had earmarked Rochdale for elimination because it had recently discovered that town to be possession of dangerous ideas. It is a well-established fact that ideas can be bombed out of existence.
Rochdale’s crime was that it contained ideas threatening to the future of unfettered capitalism, being the birthplace of Co-operative extremism. Clearly, if Rochdale was eliminated, the ideas would not spread and a global threat would be eliminated.
It’s not as if people somewhere else would take up the same ideas, is it?
Further, CIA research (courtesy of Wikipedia) had revealed that the Co-op supermarket in Rochdale is – this week – offering as a “special sales item”, at a cost of only one pound, a jar of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise. “This is”, ran the official report, “undoubtedly produced in Hellmann’s province in Afghanistan.’
Equally suspicious were references to “two for the price of one” offers on “After Eight” mints. These phrases are unequivocal. The latter is a coded message for the timing of an uprising against the economic system and the first is a reference to suicide bombing. Crisps, a term for burned corpses, are also on offer.
Co-operative extremists are unquestionably demonstrating an unhealthy interest in death, a sure sign of impending threats to the West.
A cursory visit to their propaganda enquires, “Thinking of planning your funeral?” It reveals that, when Labour was first elected, a typical funeral cost £1,230, but today this has escalated to £2,549. An insurgency is imminent. “Die quick while prices last”, is the subplot.
Further evidence of impending danger came earlier this year when the extremists held their International Co-operative Day on July 4 – a clear provocation. They openly called for “economic efficiency, equality and world peace” – all concepts that would undermine American stability.
Newspapers have been alerted to the need to support the patriotic war. The Daily Mail is in turmoil about house prices in the town while The Sun will concentrate on what is breast for Britain. The Guardian can see both sides and the Daily Star is working on a story about Rochdalians taking drugs by rubbing powder into their mouths – “E by gum” as it is known locally.
“The only thing that worries me is whether we will really end Co-operative extremists if we rid ourselves of Rochdale”, remarked the Foreign Secretary.
Gawd made a sound like a laugh. “It’s well after your bedtime”, he said, leading his young chum to the door.
“Yes, there are foreigners who might entertain the same ideas, but if we give the Rochdale crew a good slapping, they’ll give up. That’s how it works.”
“So, if we wanted to end Catholicism, we’d just shoot the Pope and it would all be over?’
“Exactly. In fact, it’s not a bad idea. Why not invite him to Rochdale for a jolly?”
