Does anyone else wonder what happened to Cinderella after she picked up the prince? According to a recent WikiLeak, living happily ever after wasn’t ever on the agenda. The Ugly Sisters just couldn’t let go. It was sulk-sulk, moan-moan the moment the shoe fitted. They were so bitter and jealous that she had been chosen rather than one of them.
Minutes after the announcement, they started whingeing that the system wasn’t fair. It seemed they had “discovered” that the whole method of appointment was wrong and began to campaign to undermine Cinders with the slogan “One measurer, one slipper”. They pointed out that there had been three footmen engaged in the measurement of her foot size and, although this conformed with the rules at the time, the Ugly Sisters began squawking their doubts about the validity of the process.
“If only one footman had been responsible for the sizing, the outcome could have been very different”, insisted Scotty Sis.
Ugly Brum, despite bearing a startling resemblance to the mythical ape-like creature said to inhabit North American forests and colloquially known as Big Foot, insisted that if alternative regulations concerning measuring methodology had been in place, she – and not Cinders – may have emerged as princess.
“The effect of an examination of this anatomical structure by a triumvirate could have affected the temperature of the area and led to swelling”, argued the think tank Pro-grease, which has strong ties with the sisterhood. “A single person investigation is much more appropriate in these circumstances.”
A spokesperson for the princess suggested that the other candidates could have challenged the appointment process at any time during the previous few decades, but Ugly Brum dismissed the point. “We did not realise at the time that the system was corrupt to its very core”, she said. “In fact, this did not become apparent until the result was declared and we found we’d lost.”
Allegations also erupted about who exactly put up the money for the coach that the princess took to the ball. At the time, the princess would only identify the benefactor as a “fairy godmother”.
This was challenged by Scotty, who is said not to believe in fairies at all and, according to JM Barrie, may therefore be responsible for several of the species “falling down dead”. Suggestions of fairycide apart, Scotty alleged that the cab could have been provided by the shoemakers’ guild and she would therefore like them, and all other guilds for that matter, to be excluded from – well, everything.
“It is clearly not right that the princess should be in hock to working people”, Scotty declared. “It conforms much more with the natural order if she owes favours to very rich people, such as those known to our friend, Mandy.”
This baroness, as was her custom, declined to comment. Indeed, the baroness now says nothing at all for less than 50 grand.
Then there was such a to-do when the school children broke out of the playground and some of them did drawings on a statue outside the palace. The princess said she was thinking of going and talking to them to see what they were up to – and my, how the sisters fretted.
“Why would she want to go and talk to them?’ they asked. “There’s no need to ask them what they want – we know what they want. And it’s a few strokes of the birch. She’s a nasty girl and only wants to encourage them.”
This was all before sleek Sarflundun Sis launched in with her defence of very rich people. It seems that the princess declared that she would like to fund health and “other nice things” in her new realm by introducing a 50 per cent tax rate for people who trouser more than £150,000 a year. Sarf was most indignant.
“The princess wants to hit on this group of unfortunate people”, she said. “It is discrimination to pick on a minority in this way. There are 29 million people who pay tax in the kingdom, so why pick on 300,000 of them?
“Just because they have more money doesn’t mean they should pay more taxes, does it? Besides, if we took their money off them, they wouldn’t be high earners and we’d have no more tax money.”
Sarf was never very good at figures. In fact, many people were very surprised when she stamped her (glass-slipper-less) feet and demanded to be made head of the exchequer. Later it emerged that she’d confused the
X-chequer and The X Factor.
“Anyway, nothing’s changed since she became princess”, said Sulky Sarf. “My sisters and I will just stay the same. We’re still as kind and lovely as we ever were. We still want a freer society and more equality – just as we did when we supported 60 days’ detention without trial and made the gap between the rich and poor the widest it’s ever been.’
And although Cinders was sad that her sisters were so horrible to her, she still had her Prince Charming. The pair decided to give the whole land a day off work to celebrate their April wedding and although the Ugly Sisters skulked off to France so they could miss it, no one missed them. And the princess, despite the Ugly Sisters who tried to put her down, lived a long and happy life.
