As I’m dead, you may wonder how this article reached you. Heaven is better equipped than you think. I sent it by email, but unfortunately there’s no return service. Yes, I know some of you are asking if I went in the right direction. There’s a probation period first. You don’t get the top angel on arrival, just the ordinary angels on the lowest grade. I suggested they establish a trade union, but those ordinary angels feared expulsion.
There’s a bit of a grilling. The chap in front of me was being given a torrid time. He was being asked all the various questions to be admitted and there seemed to be some difficulty. “You can only come to heaven if you’ve led a good life”, said the angel. “Do you smoke?
“Yes.”
“How many?”
“About 60 a day.”
“Do you drink?”
“Yes.”
“A lot?”
“Well, as much as I can.”
“You’re not being very helpful. Isn’t there anything decent you did in your life?”
“Yes. I went to help a girl who was being beaten up and mugged by an armed gang.”
“That sounds better. When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago.”
“He finally let him in and turned to me. “What have you done in life to justify coming here?” asked the angel.
I worked in local government, I said, and got a sympathetic response. I did a lot of voluntary work in my village. He gave a nod of approval. I was a trade union branch secretary and wrote the occasional piece for Tribune. A frown appeared on the angel’s face. “Well”, he said, “we can’t all be perfect.” He offered his condolences.
I was permitted to ask some questions. “Surely Margaret Thatcher is not coming up here?”
“Oh, yes”, said the junior angel. “But we’ll give her merry hell for the damage she did to the country.”
I rejoiced at that news.
I wondered if similar treatment would be accorded to Norman Tebbit.
“Indeed. Most of the time he will be cycling round and round this area for at least 12 hours a day. Looking for work when there isn’t any. ‘On your bike’, we’ll say. And he will have obey”.
I was passed on to the accommodation angel who made it clear that a form of punishment was necessary as no one was without sin. “You will be accommodated with Marilyn Monroe.” Crikey, I cried. That’s punishment?
“It is for Marilyn Monroe.”
“But how is that punishment for me?” I wondered.
“You won’t be able to touch her”, he said.
“Before you take up your accommodation”, said the lowly angel, “you will be allowed to have a look around and admire our facilities”. Off I went down a long corridor. The first guest I came across was Harold Wilson, still puffing on his pipe. I heard him muttering to himself as he passed by: “As I said at the Brighton conference….” He was followed by Harold Macmillan, insisting that he had “never had it so good”. I don’t know why. There are no shops, no pubs, no running water (so nothing for anyone to turn into wine) and no toilet facilities. Some have been wandering about for millions of years.
King John strolled by, still complaining about being forced by the barons to sign Magna Carta. Queen Elizabeth I, with a knowing smile, swore she was never a virgin. She could have been fibbing, but I was anxious to be introduced to Sir Walter Raleigh. Oliver Cromwell, showing off his warts, said there seemed to be quite a republican movement in England these days. To him who waits…
I thought I saw Robin Hood but as he didn’t really exist I realised I was looking at Errol Flynn. Those green tights never suited him.
It was time to locate my punishment room. There was no sign of Marilyn Monroe. Just a note to say she’d popped out to sing “Happy Birthday” to John F Kennedy.
I did see Aneurin Bevan fulminating about the Conservatives moving to privatise the National Health Service, particularly as Tories and the doctors opposed it all in 1948. Keir Hardie was muttering about Tony Blair, his right-wing views and illegal actions. Is there any chance of him coming back to make a fresh start for us? Keir Hardie, that is, not Tony Blair.
Heaven is rather overcrowded. Some of the inhabitants should be in the venue way down below– and they should include Lord Tebbit and Baroness Thatcher when their time finally comes.
Suddenly, I awoke with a start. “Heavens above”, said my family “What have you been dreaming about?”
